Asking Eric: I was shocked and hurt when a friend told me there was no room for me at her wedding

DEAR ERIC: I have a friend I haven’t spoken to since her small wedding two years ago. I thought we were pretty close friends for 25 years. We shared our ups and downs.
Before her wedding, she told me that it was going to be a small ceremony with only about 30 friends and family. It would be at a restaurant. They planned on paying for everyone and 30 was their limit. I was shocked and hurt when she told me there was no room for me. I always thought we were close.
I offered to pay for my own dinner, but she declined my offer and me. She later texted me pictures of her ceremony as if to include me in this pathetic way. I didn’t respond to the pictures, and we haven’t spoken since.
I always thought she would reach out to me, but she never did. In the end I feel like she has shown me that she really doesn’t care about our friendship and doesn’t care that I was hurt. Am I wrong or is she wrong?
– Off the Guest List
DEAR GUEST LIST: There’s a saying that goes “there’s three sides to every story: your side, my side and the truth. And no one is lying.”
It seems clear that you have different understandings of the depth of your friendship and the ways that you can show the other how valued they are. She could see your friendship as less close than you do, or she could think that by texting you she was actually including you. And that’s her truth.
Your truth is just as valid, though. You were hurt and part of being in a friendship is listening when a friend says that we’ve hurt them and then making it right.
To get closure, I suggest reaching out to clear the air. You wanted her to reach out in response to your hurt, but did you actually tell her you were hurt? Is it possible she’s hurt that you didn’t respond to the pictures? I’m not sure that either of you is in the wrong here. However, a conversation is the only way that you can get to a shared truth and, hopefully, reconciliation.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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